you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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