So drunk its hurt
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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