You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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