I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
