I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
