im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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