I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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