..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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