First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
50% drunk capacity currently
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
