Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
