My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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