My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
