just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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