I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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