That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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