Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
