Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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