you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
