Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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