Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
