i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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