I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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