Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
