there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
