Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
