Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
