Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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