i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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