I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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