That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
