Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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