Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
