Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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