My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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