I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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