I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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