Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
