I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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