pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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