drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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