nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
