just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
