Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
