Sponge bath it is.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
