My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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