Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
