Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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