ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I AM VODKA MAN
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
