just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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