If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
