was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
