I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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