I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
