I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
