Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
