I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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