I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
